santa

Today I didn't have so great a day at work. I was snappy and in a bad mood. I just don't really understand why that happens. As I was reading my bible and praying this morning, the verse that kept coming back to me was matthew 6:33, "seek ye first the kingdom of God, and HIs righteousness...and all these things shall be added unto you." For a long time I have been seeking things for myself. It's all about me. It's masked so it seems like it's all about others, but in the end, I always end up benefitting from it...

As I was reading a book this morning I realized that I view God as my "santa clause". something i've always heard of, but never really looked at as something that characterizes my view of God. I have a relationship with Him, but now I see that I"m in the relationship for what I get out of it and as I'm with Him, I'm simply using Him. I have some friends that I sometimes feel used my and it doesn't feel so great after awhile.. When suddenly I realized that that's how I've been treating God, it hit me pretty hard. I want to know God and know His character. And have a two way relationship with Him. Yet I keep going to Him to ask Him for things and to get what I want or think I need in life...

short day

Because I work in the wee hours of the morning and go to bed way to late, my waking day is usually about 19 to 20 hours long. I get a lot down and enjoy myself a fair bit without being too too tired by the end of the day. Today was my one day off a week and I think I slept for WAY too long, because my waking day only consisted of six hours! I still can't believe it and at the moment am exhausted and ready to go to sleep (seeing that i'm lying in my bed with my laptop i'd say i'm halfway there!).

It's strange because when I get too much sleep I end up being in a horrible mood. Today was proof of that and I was absolutely miserable. Then I ask myself if it really is all wrapped up in the sleep factor or perhaps my day wasn't wrapped up enough in the One who is my lifesource. And because of it I couldn't truly live today. I hate those days when I'm totally not at all God-concious. He is my life, my reason to be, yet I neglect Him thinking that just maybe for today it'll be fine. But life really does suck without Him. Today was proof enough of that.

looking down from up high

Today didn't start off so great. My mouth was really hurting from recently having all four wisdom teeth removed and then once I got to work things just seemed to go downhill from there. It all comes back to perspective though I think. Do I have a right to be in a bad mood? In seeing everyone else in the world and seeing what they're dealing with? Maybe, maybe not. I'm not really sure. In light of everything going on around me, is it fitting for me to be in a bad mood just because immediate circumstances seem to give me permission. Doesn't seem right. Yet I subject myself to it over and over again. I look down at everything around me from my narrow steeple of self-righteousness and because I'm blinded into thinking I'm so good, everything around me looks horrible, spoiling my perfect little world that I convince myself I live in. To see myself as I truly am would be scary. Yet I need to let others see that too. Sometimes I just want to keep going with my seemingly perfect, self-righteous world, because at times it seems easier. But it's not worth it.

a lion, a witch and a wardrobe

I saw the Lion, the witch and the wardrobe today and quite enjoyed it. During one of the end battle scenes, I felt a little bad for all the good guys losing their lives. The question crossed my mind as to what exactly they were fighting for. First and foremost they were fighting for Aslan, for Narnia, for their freedom. And they fought with all their strength, fully aware that they could lose their lives.

We're all in a battle, whether we choose to fight it fully or not. I have to wonder, looking at my life whether I am fighting for or against the powers of this world. And am I willing to give my life for this battle? Not just physically, as in that I could die, but am I willing to die to some things that might seem desirable to me as I fight this battle. Or will I surrender to those things and allow my life to be overruled. I want to fight the battle for God fully, not being distracted by any of the enemy's distractions around me. Continually walking in his victory, willing to die to myself and to the sin around me and to serve Him and Him alone! Will you join me in this battle?

music

I love music. I am either singing, humming or simply listening, but I love being surrounded by music whenever I can, especially when driving. While I driving I turn my music as loud as I can (without blowing the speakers) and sing along at the top of my lungs.

Tonight however God was pointing out to me how I let music overtake my mind. Don't get me wrong. Music is a wonderful thing and is an incredible gift from God, but I have taken the gift and let it crowd up my mind, leaving room for little else. As I was listening to the Lord tonight, there was some stuff He was speaking and I knew it was there, but I couldn't hear all of it, because I had this one song stuck in my head that kept repeating itself over and over again. So I think God is asking me to tone it down on the music a bit. As I think about it, I would like to resist and say no way! I love my music too much! But when I see that attitude, i realize that my attitude towards music is not so great and needs to change. So for the next while I will attempt to live more in silence and hear what the Lord is speaking to me.

I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled tomorrow so I'll have two and a half days off work: yay! Work is the only place where I'm "forced" to be around music. I'm guessing the next few days will be good for simply being in silence and for listening. Hard to do, but I'm looking forward to it at the same time.

are you excited?

I have been requested to update-sorry for the delay!

Things have been busy. I've been working lots and trying to cram as much into every day as I can before I head off to India! I think I'm getting sick though, so perhaps burning the candle at both ends wasn't the best idea!

People keep asking me if I'm excited to go to India. I guess I am. Not particularly though. Not that I don't want to go, but for now I'm just excited to be alive and be living that life that I have where I'm at, serving God where He's placed me. So what to say when people ask me... I haven't really thought much about going to India to be honest. Just living in the here and now and that is exciting enough for me! And when India becomes the here and now I will still be excited. :)

so exciting!

Today my dear friend Lindie is coming for a visit and I am quite excited!!! And this evening we will go to my brother's work Christmas party-how pleasant (don't know why I just said pleasant, but fair enough). On Tuesday we are going to see the musical Beauty and the Beast!! So many fun things! I like it when people come to visit. Always makes things out of the ordinary and fun!

life rating

My life is rated G.
What is your life rated?

risks

God has been teaching me a lot practically in my life about stuff I knew before, but have never really had to apply to my life in such a drastic way! Obedience to Him requires risks. There might be unknowns, there might be what if's, but He's God! And so I can have faith and trust Him completely, because He's got the master plan and knows exactly what's going on. He's shown me that He want sme to move to Quebec next summer which is a risky move for lots of reasons. But He is trustworthy and He's been showing me that more and more with a few details and reminders this week that have been absolutely amazing!! Totally washing away any doubts I had before. He is a good God and I can trust Him with my life, because He knows what He's doing!

NOW!

Sorry for the lack of updates. I feel as though life has been chugging along and i haven't been able to stop much to think about it. But I think life needs to be pondered otherwise we simply stay in a state of going-never changing, or turning, no speeding up or slowing down-just going.

My life is full right now. I leave the house at five in the morning and return at ten in the evening. I keep thinking of everything that's going to come and what I'm going to do and what God's going to do through me. Yet I keep looking towards the future, consequently neither enjoying the present or the future, because when what I was looking forward to finally comes I'm too busy looking ahead at what's coming next to enjoy what's here now. But God has purposes for my life TODAY! Right now!! And I can live life to the fullest in every moment. And it's going to start today, right here, right now!

prayer room

I really want to go deeper with God. And to be a woman of prayer. Today I put together a prayer room. A little sanctuary tucked away where I can go and meet with God. I've started writing verses and prayers on the walls and I have some other creative things in there and I'm really excited! If I try and spend time with God while in my room, I just get distracted. Not that I can't meet God wherever I am, but I'm excited to just have a place where I can go deep and intimate with my Daddy.

selfish

My eyes have been opened more and more to see how incredibly selfish I am. Everything revolves around me, me, me. Everyone needs to know about me and care about me. But that's not what it's about. This is where my focus is and that's why everything seems so crummy! My focus needs to be on God and on others. And loving them no matter what. I keep worrying about getting hurt. And so I can't even have proper relationships with others, because I'm not honest. I'm a fake person. I need to crack open and risk being vulnerable and weak.

under a cloud

I've been under a cloud lately and have come to realize just how safe and protected I've created my world to be. It's not a good world in the sense that most of it is fake. I've even begun to fool myself. Amazing how we can think one way so much that even though it's not real we begin to think it's the truth. Now I'm just writing sections of a really big thought and this probably won't make sense. More to come later.

grumbling...

Lately I've been grumbling about a lot of things, especially at work. The hours I get, my wage and so on. And it's caused me to get angry, frustrated and changed the way I've acted at times which isn't so nice. And amidst my grumbling, God calls me to trust Him. And I don't. I keep looking at my circumstances and complaining. Then He gets me a raise. Then the person who took over for me in mornings is leaving so I get my mornings back. Not all that bad. Why didn't I just trust Him?

back again

Just arrived home from Africa yesterday. It was a wonderful two weeks, going on safaris, driving around and just hanging out at the lodges. I enjoyed getting to know other tourists there as well as the staff at the different lodges. Learned a bit of swahili, which was always enjoyable to those who heard. :) I am home now and it feels strange to be here. I feel like being back in Africa. Should have accepted the marriage proposal I got.. haha.. But I loved seeing the people there and their joy of life as well as their ability to simply rest and enjoy the day sitting by the side of the road. I need things to do. Imagine just sitting by the road all day. Resting and relaxing. Sounds good.