Trust and Anger

I have this picture on my desktop, and on rainy days I love looking at it, because it reminds me of warmth and incredible beauty!! All is beautiful around me as well, but I do enjoy this pic, so thought I'd start the post off with it (the island in the background is Bora Bora).

So I just realized that if I posted more often, I would not have fifty million pictures per post. So my apologies for the delay in posting and for the long winded posts!

This was my youth photo taken by Jason Brown (Revival Arts Studios). Fantastic shot! I'm leading a grade nine girls small group at church this year! And it was fun to have our pics taken professionally for the website!

Jocelyn and I went to the Canucks game last Friday night against LA kings. Canucks lost 4-2. I really do not pick the good games to go to. Or maybe it's them? Hopefully next time we'll fare better!

Me and my curly hair!

My buddy Freud and I... At school there was a career fair and the undergrad psych club had a booth.. We had some fun snapping some shots! :)

Chad and Bobbi were gone this weekend, so I got to take care of their dog and cat!! Every morning I had to laugh, because Tiga would be on top of his dog house waiting for me. haha.. Have never seen that before!! But he was always excited to see me, would jump off the roof and starting jumping around everywhere. Crazy, hyper dog!

We went for a "walk". HA! Yah, I went for a jog was more like it and I was really sore the next day!! haha.. Was kind of fun at the same time, besides the fact that I was soaking wet by the end!

I tried getting a group shot, but evidently I was zoomed in and Tiga would not sit still!! haha.. I think he's about to jump on me...

Amy and I went on a mini roadtrip to Vancouver the other day because I had to pick some stuff up. I was supposed to document the roadtrip, but alas, this was the only picture I got!! haha..

Amy squared

Kristen

Okay, so this picture is a work in progress, but I figured I would post it, because I took SO long trying to get it!! haha.. I was trying to take a picture of the stars and it semi turned out. I think the combo of my lens getting dew all over it in the middle of the picture and the moving clouds kind of ruined it. But I will keep trying, so stay tuned!! One of the things on my list of 100 things to do before I die is to take a good picture of stars!! :)

It was beautiful tonight, so I figured I would snap a few shots of the huge oak trees in the yard. I figured I should check out the giant flowers again too.. Always good for a picture!

I love the light in this picture!

This last weekend was great in that I got a fair amount done!! A lot of it consisted of marking, but after that I was able to get a headstart on homework for the week!

Lately two things have been heavy on my mind: trust and anger. I recently came to the shocking realization that I don't trust God. Sure, I trust Him and know He's trustworthy, but I look at my life and see that I don't fully believe that. I started wondering where that shift happened. When my brother died, i really wanted to trust God, trust He had a plan and would take care of me. However, a year and a half later when my dad died, I think I shut down. I already hadn't been dealing well with emotions that were coming up, and I felt really hurt and abandoned by God. The funny thing is that I have only realized it now. I kept logically telling myself all the things I knew, meanwhile ignoring what my heart was saying. So now I feel as though I only want to trust God when I am 100% that the outcome will be the way I want it to be. Which isn't really trust... Along with this, I have realized that I had a lot of unexperessed anger towards God. Once again, in my logic I told myself that I couldn't be angry at God. So I wasn't. And I stuffed everything down and it was all good. But it's not and it has been bubbling inside me for quite some time.

Upon realizing these feelings, it was incredible just to pour out my heart and to be honest about it. What an amazing relief. Yet now it is difficult to know where to go from here. I desire to know God and I want to follow Him and have a relationship with Him and so I am continually striving towards that while trying to be honest with myself and God about where I am at and how I am feeling. So far it has been hard, but good. I am learning a lot. :)